Goodbye...

I want to hate you so bad that it hurts. I want to put you in the past and move on and not think twice, but I can't... cause your leaving and you may not return. How is that fair that I can't hate you cause you might die, but you could care less about what your actions are doing to me. How is it fair that you can just walk away from everything after five years and think that I do not deserve even a text, or a call.
How is this so easy for you?
How can you talk about us, and Europe, and writing, and that you leaving is not a goodbye because there would be letters,emails, web chats. How could you hold me and kiss me and then leave for a month and come back like I don't exist. How could you call me on the phone and tell me how it feels so good to hear my voice, how could you tell me that it was I who you would miss...
How could you kiss my hand, how could you hold me in your arms, how could you just walk away? I never wanted forever or to hold you back. We never determined what "we" were, but I think its because words could not explain. When people use to ask me about us, all I could say is that we are so illogical that it works though I do not know why.
The first time I spoke to you you awaken something inside of me, and when you remembered by name at districts and told me your win was for me I had to see you again, I had to know more...I believe the rest was faith. Every time I saw you the butterflies took over. The first time I saw you outside of swimming your face was covered in paint and your football team was kicking CH's ass...but again I seemed to lose my words and did not think to ask for your number...but I needed to speak to you again...Remember how I told you the story of how I got your screen from a from a friend who had a friend who had a cousin who had a friend who knew you haha or something along those complicated lines..who would have thought that's all it would take...before I knew it you were calling to ask me out on a date that was back in the summer when I still had my Cinderella license how time has gone by. I remember you kissed me in the car and I didn't want to leave and how your beard made my checks all pink, and I got home late. Everything after that night I'll simply leave to chemistry. There were the times at the movies, and all dinner dates, and the first time you let me meet your parents, or when you surprised me with a Christmas gift, and when you agreed to come to prom with me. You were always there at the right times when I seemed to be at my lowest, I think that is how you did.. made me hold on. Your timing was perfect and my expectations of you where high. Maybe that is what is making this part so hard.
I need to let go..because when I look into the future I know there is no place for me...the life you have chosen is the military, and I hope to god it is what makes you happy. You are so free spirited and full of life it is one of the many qualities I love about you, but it's not stable, its not longer term. I need something stable in my life, someone who won't leave me without saying goodbye...I use to think I needed you, but you are just a childhood dream I held onto since I was 15 and did not know how to let go of. Now though I might not be completely ready to let go with time it will get easier..but please don't come back in a year and try to pretend like you never broke my heart...or in the future if we happen to cross paths again please don't pretend that you did not just walk away from everything...cause in the end you left me wondering why I was not good enough to even get a goodbye...I thought we were friends, I thought I meant more. Jokes on me.